No one teaches you how to live life, but you may have few people around you who can care enough to warn you if they feel that you are on a wrong path. I personally don’t like such people because no matter what, I cannot believe them and whatever they said is true and always have this hope in me that I can prove them wrong. But sadly, most of the times they are right, most of the times people fail and the infamous cruelty of this world wins. I’m so naive that I’ve started hating myself for being like this. I’m like an open book for people, one from comic or entertainment genre and can only make people happy and laugh from the interesting anecdotes in it. I have actually lowered my standards a lot because I’ve not had the good ones uptill now and sadly I find those current people the best. They may be good, no doubt but not good enough for me. And obviously at times I have this self doubt too where I’m skeptical about asking too much and not being happy or satisfied with what I have. Good memories are all I have with them but most of the times when I wanted them to prove me and my above notions wrong, they failed. In past three months I’ve noticed this big change that no one actually cares that much and that I am a fool giving in too much of care and time. I wish people like me realise this a little soon in life that world is not that good, that self-love comes first (this is my biggest struggle in life) and that little actions and signs matter. I’ve also heard that only your close ones betray you and that is why it hurts the most. I’m feeling it now! It hurts so bad. I’ve lost some very dear people and have clung onto very toxic ones and this is was a big mistake. I may say that I don’t have ego but it comes to play when actually you have to take the first step to save a relationship and I couldn’t. Listening to some very wrong people disguised as my well wishers was very stupid of me. I will still continue to stay with the same people because I have no choice and life is cruel and I need validation. Times are not very much good to be experimenting with very harsh options. I feel so miserable, so much wronged and so much used. How to make myself feel better? I feel exposed. I feel insecure for the very people who knew about my insecurities and priorities are playing with them looking into my eyes. I don’t have courage to go and fight. I’m so fragile that even a bad word from their mouth can shatter my whole self-esteem, forget about self-love. What to do of myself when I feel like leaving it all and running far away from everyone? I’m an escapist after all and I believe that save the effort used in staying and fighting and build a new self from all the peace you’ll get. It’s very hard, staying and seeing all this. I cannot even share it this time because the people I share to, it’s about them! It’s hard to keep my mouth shut but I will have to because you need to keep yourself before everyone. Even when everything is falling apart, everyone is messed up and rude, you will have to look out for yourself because there’s definitely this one person who loves you from her heart and soul and you need to live for her. And that is why this is a world of suffering because there’s no easy way out. There’s no full stop to it but a comma, a slight pause and then your misery will be inflicted upon your closed ones. I don’t want that, I don’t want to start a chain reaction because I know what effect my existence has on others and maybe that’s the silver lining I’ve been looking for all this while- MY EXISTENCE MATTERS AND I SHOULD LIVE!
