Starting this story with a wide smile on my face because that’s how happy I am. Not every time you need something big to be happy. I took out time for myself, did all that I wanted to and have no regrets in living for myself for a few days. Last month or last few weeks to be precise have been the best so far in this year and it feels so surreal that I don’t believe having lived it. I feel that I have grown and because I have been trying to hide my feelings from so long that I actually have become numb and am doubting now of having emotions left, if any. Being the most sensitive and emotional person once I am surprised to have become a totally opposite version of that now. I love this change and am sorry but I don’t feel sorry for being like this. Stretched my limits TOO FAAAAR this time, tested myself on what makes me happy and it resulted good but now I am scared if will result into something bad in future and am sure that it will. What I did wasn’t too good but this is the question which has been bugging me way too much- Is it bad that I had fun? Is it bad that I chose myself over others, that I wanted to live a little? Why is it bad? Why do others get to live and not me? Each time I felt happy, a pang of gulit came through and it just ruined that moment of bliss. So, I decided to just live and to do the so called ‘bad’ and not think about the aftermath. And you see me now? I am the happiest version of myself. Also, what a coincidence, just about now this song from my fav artist Norah Jones started, “does it make you happy?” Yes, my answer is Yes! It does make me happy!
Tomorrow or five years from now when I’ll be something in life and on a low day, I’ll think about these days and it will put this same wide smile on my face and I’ll be proud of myself for I have lived at least a day or two in this world where everyone is deadass zombie. I believe my gut feeling because it has always been way too right- be it about any guy, or whatever plan I am making, it has been always too apt. If I feel slightest of uncomfortable with anyone, I won’t dare take a chance and test myself there but this time, I don’t feel even a pinch of that uneasiness and it’s the best. If this is how it feels then no one should compromise because doing what you want and actually enjoying it is the best feeling in this world. I feel so free and if tomorrow I die or have everything taken away from me, I will have no regrets and will happily accept the fate because I have lived and will love to live a little more but if not that, I am still content enough. I have no complaints from God apart from my ususal rants which even I will forget about after a day or two. Thanks for everything! I love this life!
